SMILE || open

[stormy]

playing upon the lips of the she-cat, was a frown; twisting her pretty face into a mask of sadness. the deep yellow expressionate eyes were coated with a layer of moisture, showing just how close she was to falling apart. petalwhisper's mind had wander away without so much as a warning. it took a trip back to the days as a kit, living without a care in the world of the hardships of a warrior, wishing to be on top of the forest, leading the clan with a heavy paw, and a justified hardness. it was so much easier when one was young . . . yet, it was a time when all you wanted was to be older. and now . . .

her breath caught in her throat and a strange sound escaped her. gray fur shook slightly as she trembled trying to get control of herself. for some reason, it wasn't working. petalwhisper, so emotionally strong, physically strong, was breaking down. emotional breakdown if you would. it was so bizarre to her. she wasn't one to get all upset and quit, but that's what she felt like doing. just laying down, closing her eyes and never waking up. the main reason was the fact that her kits were developing into fine young cats, and she was so far out of their life now, busy with her warrior duties. starclan forbid, she barely even spoke with hawktalon anymore.

it just seemed that all of a sudden her life was catching up with her surprsingly fast and it was to late for her to grab it. thankfully, she was relatively secluded from the rest of the clan, probably not as well as she could be, but she hadn't exactly decided that today was gonna be the day that she broke down. it wasn't exactly something you planned. alas, here she was. a mess. emotionally unstable, wanting to give up on life, and just . . . fly away.

[note: kind of a personal post .. xD so not what i usually post content wise]

[Wildheart]

ooc:// Mind if I intrude?
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

Darkness. The feeling that intruded every aspect of existence that he had ever known. Nothing to see. No where to go that did not involve the substance that invaded his already pathetic life. Darkness is all that he sees. Is all he will ever see it seemed. Trying to wake from the pretense of this made up world, the tom tried to fabricate the being of reality. Desperately calling out to anything or anyone that was listening. Desperately calling for help. Though he thought it was a loud echo anyone could have heard; somewhere inside him; Sootwhisker knew no one had heard. It was as if the call was only inside of his mind. The darkness was his reality. The reality he could not face no matter how many times he tried. Give up. It whispered in his ears, the voice soft and tempting. Give in to the emptiness that you will always have. Voice of a true belief known throughout the whole clan. Trying to wake up from this 'dream' of his; Sootwhisker whispered to himself it wasn't true. That the truth that enveloped his mind that the clan never wanted him was lies.

Eventually he focused on the real world. Or the true tangible feeling of the real world. Color's entered his sight and the darkness seemed to disappear, or at least move to the back of his head, hiding there and waiting to pounce on another moment of weakness. Sootwhisker somehow knew he would not feel this sensation of loneliness if it weren't for his alienated position in the clan. Being adopted, Sootwhisker never had the true sense of closeness or family connections that others felt. He never felt the laps of a tongue on his ear by another cat or on any other part of his body for that matter.

Thinking of being alone made Sootwhisker inch even closer to the edge of the river. Though many would have never thought of such a horrendous stunt; the ashy black tom knew no other feelings. No emotions could tell him this was wrong. The emotions were not only his enemies but his only friends. Sitting on the verge of life and death, his emotions mixed and mingled; leaving his mind in a confused disarray of thoughts that would not decide upon jumping in a river of cold ice or stepping away and living a life no one ever understands outside of himself and continue with a non-purposeful life. The sense of wanting freedom was to great. Forgetting everything. Leaving everything behind. It was just to tempting.

[stormy]

tension began to build up in her paws and soon she had to move. gray pelt swished around her legs and her tail hung low to the ground, sweeping the soft earth. flat against her head, her ears fell not wanting to hear anything, it was weird feeling like this ... she didn't want her clan mates knowing what was going on. so, she slunk through the camp slowly, dodging every cat in her way; ignoring any questions or awkward conversations. bursting from the entrance, she hit the undergrowth and raised her head and looked around greedily for whatever came upon her.

rythmically, the sound of water filled her ears and a smile broke out across her stone gray face, beautifully enhancing her features. her usually expressionful auburn eyes brightened as she came down upon the source of the sound but froze in her tracks. breaking out over her back was goosflesh, making her pelt stand on end and a shudder cascaded through her body. the form of a clan mate had positioned themself in her way to happiness and seclusion. and if her scenses didn't decieve her, it was sootwhisker who so cruelly interrupted it. a hoarse sigh was released from her maw and she debated between leaving him to his thoughts, or going down to socialize with him. a moment later, she found herself carrying down toward the solemn tom, immediately registering the sunken position and sad vibes flowing off his body in rays.

"hello sootwhisker." she greeted in her usual soft, whisper tone. touching his haunch with her tail, she settled down next to him and gazed at him with concern now clearly prominent in her pools of auburn, her ears perked forward and her body angled towards his, open to whatever his issue was. "are you ok love?" how strange it was for her to be asking some other cat that. but she wasn't one to be wallowing in her own self pity while another one of her clanmates looked like they were ready to throw their life away at the stroke of a wave. hmm, funny how that worked. petalwhisper held back a sigh and tried to keep a concerned look on her face, trying to forget her problems to help with him. her whiskers twitched, and her ears swivelled, waiting for his answer.

[Wildheart]

The swirl and waves of the water that cascaded below Sootwhisker filled his eyes with images of clarity of what he must do to escape his own personal hell. Idly, the black tom thought of a place outside of Starclan. Was there such thing as a place that help mysteries that would never be discovered? Sootwhisker's insides were as black as his pelt and the tip of his toes urged him on, almost daring him to jump. What is stopping you? They seemed to whisper to him. The tom was momentarily confused. It wasn't his toes that had told him the black secrets of death. It was not his claws that screamed truth in his ears. Sootwhisker wondered if he would come back to haunt others that had been mean to him in his life if he jumped. The thought quickly evaporated into the sky as soon as it was thought. He knew he would never do something like that. The haunting of another... Sootwhisker shuddered; not wanting to think about it. Am I haunted? His soul seemed to ache with the truth, but his mind would not listen to it. His mind thought logically that a reaped soul was impossible. His heart beating telling his mind it was a lie. His mind seemed to shy away from the idea.

Lost in his battle, he never heard the arrival of another cat until he felt the slight tingle on his side that sent signals to his brain that something had touched him and he was not alone. ' -- ok love?' Sootwhisker had to focus his eyes away from the swirling water that seemed to reach out and try to touch him with ever second that went by. Sootwhisker slowly turned his head, his ears zoning into the she-cat that had sat beside him. Her face held a twang of forced concern that was clouded in her eyes. Beneath their depths lied anguish and self- pity that seemed to slowly seep into his pelt the longer he looked into her eyes.

Despite her sorrow appearance, she was beautiful. Sootwhisker had known of Petalwhisper as a fellow warrior. But the closest relationship the two the them had had, as far as he remembered, was sleeping in the same den. Blinking, he came out of his daze and realized he had been staring into the she-cats eyes for what must have seemed like an eternity. He knew she had asked a question; but it seemed to just hang in the air, not traveling into his ears or back into her mouth.

Glancing at her, he realized the forced concentration that strangled her features. Finally, Sootwhisker found his voice some where deep within him. "I don't believe that is the real question." His voice boomed out in the stillness. His voice was deep and had once been described as intoxicating. Sootwhisker realized his voice had a rough scratch to it, as if he hadn't used his voice in eons. Glancing at Petalwhisper's eyes again, he implored that the question was right. But who was asking it was wrong. Waiting for the answer, he sat there staring into the distance thinking of the reaping of his soul.

[stormy]

continuing to gaze into his handsome face, Petalwhisper thought back to her own mate. hawkfrost … the strong, handsome tom who was the father of her three kits . . . he never showed his emotions to anyone but her, it was the level of trust he held her for. so she wasn’t surprised that sootwhisker was holding back, trying but failing at trying to keep his sorrow away from her. she was unnaturally good at reading emotions, one of her greatest strengths, but also one of her greatest burdens. sighing, petalwhisper glanced away from his features to look into the water that rested just to the left of them, swirling like mad, as if a raging battle was being negotiated in its depths. the fur on her back began to prickle, feeling his gaze on the back of her gray head and she slowly turned it and locked eyes with the toms. soon the rest of the world around her seemed to seep away into nothingness; all that was real to her was the sincerety in the eyes of this tom and the pain that he was trying so hard to hide. her heart beat painfully for him, longing to help him in any way possible.

after a few moments of their lock, he looked away from her, and petalwhisper realized that her ears were hot and a soft purr had started in her chest. embarrassment scorched through her body and she quickly repositioned herself. it almost seemed like he had seen into her soul, the way he looked at her it made her uncomfortable now that she thought about it. all of sudden she didn’t want to be here with him. she wanted to go run and feel herself up against her loving mate and know that nothing could happen to her and that no one could break into her subconscience as the black tom had appeared to have just done. a weird, tingling played on her skin and she took a deep breath. and then the sound of his deep, lovely voice washed over her and she froze. her body tensed, every muscle taught, not even her whiskers twitched. his response was not what she expected, not that she had expected him to answer her question, he was a tom cat afterall, but the way his reply was worded unnerved her and she shuffled her paws and placed a smile onto her lips.

"oh? how is that not the real question sootwhisker?" her tone of voice, though still a whisper, had a hint of unease behind it, and maybe a bit condescending, though that was not her intention in the least, of course. flicking her ear, she turned away from him and walked a few paces, where the bank dipped into the angry riverbed, touching the top of the water with her outstretched gray paw. the cool feel of the liquid made her body rush with a chill and she giggled softly, glancing up at sootwhisker. it was odd how things like this could bring two almost complete strangers into each others lives, even if it was just because of an unfortunate turn of events. she barely knew the tom, but being who she was, she felt obliged to figure out what was wrong with him. again, her mind wandered to her mate, and butterflies took flight in her stomach. petalwhisper dropped her auburn gaze to the water now flowing over her paw, the fur upon it beautifully going with the movement, looking like silk. her smile disappeared and she sighed. "have you ever thought of what would happen if you weren’t a part of a clan anymore?" speaking to wards the water, the gray she-cat wasn’t even sure if her question would reach the ears of the handsome tom, or whether she wanted them to in the first place . . .

[Wildheart]

Large amber eyes watched the water quietly as it swirled around the fur on Petalwhisper's paw. What must have seemed like a sensitive kiss to her was a whisper of death and longing to Sootwhisker. He tried to look away from the ramped rage of the water but the more he tried to look away the more he was entranced to never glance away again. A spirit had seemed to posses the water, but either it was in Sootwhisker's mind or Petalwhisper could not sense it there. Confused, he thought of all the things that would point to his reasons for wanting death.

Rejection.
Self-hatred.
Loneliness.

Though loneliness he did not mind so bad, it was the feel of the rejection of his clanmates that lead him to have nightmares of what they thought of him and how they wanted him gone. Sootwhisker thought idly of what the clan would do if he just didn't come back one day and was missing for weeks on end, them giving up hope of finding him. They would give up hope on the first day. A voice snickered in his ear. Sootwhisker flicked his thin black ear at the noise, trying to get it to disappear and hoping that the action would drive it away. Focusing on the grey she-cat, he heard a soft murmur that took Sootwhisker some time to process as her voice. Other than a clan cat? Sootwhisker thought back to when he had first become an apprentice. He remembered how proud he was that he had made it that far, even though others had told him he couldn't. The first day of being an apprentice his foster mother took him aside and told him he was not a clan cat. At first Sootwhisker hadn't believed her, but he soon realized the signs that he was. He had no family. No friends that would play with him. Anyone who walked by would scrunch up their nose as if they smelled something rotting. No one had ever told him he was different. Not being a true clan cat was like not being a cat at all. Sootwhisker became silent after that. Never speaking to much and never fighting with other clan members. The thought of running away had crossed his mind several times, but he had never done it. He always found an excuse to stay. The clan needs me. He would tell himself. He couldn't run away. But now... It was different.

With the coming of another leaf-fall, it seemed that no one needed him more and more with each coming day. He felt the same way he did when he was just a small apprentice, clueless about the world around him. Sootwhisker's thoughts were simple at this point. He was either a clan cat, or he was not a cat at all. Sootwhisker's eyes closed slowly and opened, looking at Petalwhisper. "All the time." He simply replied, glancing up to the half-bare trees that stretched on high into the sky above him. "It seems, that if I can not be a clan cat. Then I can not be a cat at all." He heard himself say, the volume of his words getting lost in the roar of the water below. His words held a double meaning, but he did not expect this concerned she-cat to understand his just reasonings for doing something what others would describe as bold yet totally mouse-brained.

[stormy]

unblinking, the pretty she-cat stared into the water until it blurred into a palette of blues and silvers. a strange, alien feeling embraced her body and she retrieved her paw from the water quickly, cold now that it was out of the liquid. closing her eyes, petalwhisper waited to see if he would reply. either way, she was anxious. she wasn’t even sure he had heard her. whiskers twitching from the alien feeling, petalwhisper rose to her paws and looked away from the water and into the forest home around her. so many memories this place had . . she had lived here her whole life. a life fully lived so far, except with the absence of a real mother. her adoptive mother was an amazing warrior, but it wasn’t the same since she had known that the queen who had rescued her wasn’t her birthmother. it had made it awkward.

it was almost as if someone had taken her favourite book and ripped the prologue out, throwing off the plot and the readers idea of what was going to happen. it threw off the whole purpose of the book. an incomplete work of literature in a world of masterpieces. petalwhisper slowly worked her gaze towards the tom cat, eyes wide with a scared look, almost if she had come to a terrifying epiphany at his reply. it didn’t make sense to her. did he mean that he would rather be dead than be a clan cat? that didn’t fit. he was a great warrior . . . obviously that wasn’t what he meant. perhaps he misspoke. gracefully, she worked her body towards him and sat down beside him wrapping her tail around her soft gray paws in a protective way. her ears dropped, but not in a hostile way. her mouth opened to speak.

“what do you mean sootwhisker?” the words held great concern and a hit of fear. petalwshiper was a brilliant cat and even something as suggestive as his words didn’t get past her. her gut told her that they held a double meaning then what he might have meant and it scared her. any cat that talked like that gave her an uneasy feeling and worried her. she kept her gaze on him, unwavering, trying to read his body language and emotions that he so easily kept from appearing on his face. her brow furrowed slighty, and her mouth hung open softly, her eyes filling with genuine concern. “sootwhisker, what’s wrong?” the words came out in a very pleading tone, sincerely wanting to know what was bugging him. the more she thought of the words, the more ominous they sounded to and the more concerned she got. all around them, the world grew quiet; the water in the background merely white noise.

[Eclïp§e]

{Mind if I just barge in?}
Eclipsepaw's ears swirveled back and forth,listening to the conversation,she knew there wasn't much to say but to watch,to listen. Her cute little tail had stopped moving,she stand there,motionless. What might be the problem she may ask? But no. The mischevious ringleader of her sister and brother. She her smile she normally wore was gone from her face. How could cats speak of such things? This.. was revolting and outrageous. She growled,stepping out of her small corner,"C-c-c-ould you s-s-peak of such things?!" A small tear slid down her face,this... This was hideous. She spun away,tears freely streaming down her panic-strucken face. This was going to Tigerpaw. Who would Twilightstar,for herself telling Twilightstar would only bring on responsibitly and counting on her,which one couldn't do quite so often as you could on Heronflight,Silvermist,Tigerpaw,Rainstorm,Bluepelt,and all the others.

Her ears dropped and her nose sniffled the air as she ran,ran from the lies of the world. Run. Who could hide. But wasn't running worth the while? Suffer and die,Lie and lay,wasn't it all the same? She didn't wan't anyone to see her cute adorable self all emotional and torn,so she fled from camp,away. Into the forest,hoping not to get caught.

She bounded towards the big log she had once descovered and hid behind it,mabye Petalwhisper and Sootwhisker wouldn't come after her now,mabye someone would,but probably not them. They were too busy. Did they want to die? No. Well she didn't think so but you couldn't be sure,could you? A cat's thoughts are normally kept to themselves unless.. They really trust someone. She only trusted her brother Heropaw and Tigerpaw sincerly,though she cared about the rest of her family she slid,hid,tucked and ducked,barely making a sound.

[Wildheart]

Sootwhisker turned his black head slowly to the grey she-cat. He gave an amused twitch of his nose, the only emotion he showed to her. "Petalwhisper. There are many things wrong in this world. But the rights must out weight them, or we are not happy. Now are we?" He turned his head back to the rushing water and gave a slow sigh that was lost in the noise of the river. A shame. He thought to himself. That this wonderful she-cat was taken. She must have a happy life. He thought distantly. Yes. But everyone's life is better then yours Sootwhisker. Always better. Even a rogue has a better life. At least other cats accept the fact that they are rogues. You. You aren't accepted anywhere. A voice slide into his ear and echoed its dark thoughts to him. Over and over again. He was so tired of it. Anger entered Sootwhiskers emotional whirlpool. His face remained indifferent, but inside he was fighting with himself; or at least with the voice of death.

Before he could say anything more; he heard a voice behind him and turned to notice a small cat. It took him a few moments to realize it was Eclipsepaw before the small she-cat had raced away from Petalwhisper and Sootwhisker. Turning back to look at Petalwhisper silently, he stood up and began sniffing the air that the small apprentice had just stirred around him. It smelled of fear and disbelief and he wondered idly how much she had heard. Without looking back to see if Petalwhisper would follow after him, he walked calmly through a fern that smelled strongly of the scared apprentice and continued walking along the trail she had made when she had raced away. Good. The dark voice told him. Maybe she will tell the clan and finally kick you out. Or maybe they will just kill you themselves to get the deed done. Oh how wonderful that would be! Sootwhisker cocked his ears back in disbelief and shook his head slightly at the voice; trying to rattle it out of his head. Leave me alone! He told it. And for the first time, the voice fell silent. As if he had stuffed moss into its mouth.

He gave a small smile of relief and continued on the path the young cat had made in her attempt to get as far away as possible. Sootwhisker's muscles moved slowly inside him, all moving to a steady rhythm and his fur shinned when just a small amount of light hit it. His face was set in an indifferent expression he had grown to wear most of his days and his feet glided on the ground. His steps barely made a sound as he walked on the soft mussy ground. The air was cold and stiff and his slow breaths made fog with every exhale. Moving slowly through the woods, he could tell the apprentice had ran away far away from where he was and Sootwhisker realized he would never find her with just walking. The sun was already past the half-way mark in the sky and the days were starting to get shorter and shorter as leaf-bare came near.

Picking up his feet with care, Sootwhisker breathed in a deep breath of the still air before increasing his pace. At first, it was just a fast walk, but he eventually got faster and faster; moving into a trot and then a run. His muscles coiled and retracted with perfect grace and his legs all moved in time. A smile began to stretch across his mouth as his feet hit the ground with a thud and was barely heard as he kept racing through the trees. He stuck to the shadows and seemed like a moving shadow himself. Following the scent of Eclipsepaw, he slowed as her scent grew stronger.

[Eclïp§e]

Eclipsepaw's soft eyes looked up,"Why? Why don't you love your clan? Why do you think you are not accepted? Why do you think that everyone else thinks that your lower than the rest of them? I care about you. Tigerpaw cares about you,Twilightstar cares about you,and all the other cats do too!" She stepped up to him,small but her fluffy little coat gone and her rough,slicked back coat coming in,"Because I care. So i'm going to tell Tigerpaw,and don't even think you will get banished,or I am coming with you." Her tail flicked up,the ringleader,the curios one,and the dominent one.

She smiled,grey/tabby fur ruffled up now,"So,are we clear?" Her soft,warm blue eyes burned into too cats but it worked to who cares?!