save me, if you will || OPEN

[-- Desolation.]

i've got a candle
and i've got a sp.oon
i live in a hallway with no doors
and no rooms

the night was late -- or was it early? time tended to bleed into itself when you were a loner with no true purpose. it took an effort to recall meaningless moments of your life, like hunting, eating, and endlessly scissoring your legs against the dusty, beaten path all loners walk.

at least, it did for Sear.

against the bone-white gravel and dust, Sear walked in the moonlight, maw still stained with the prey he'd indulged in. the warmer season--he wasn't sure what it was called, but his mother had told him that there were four seasons that flowed into one another and changed the air drastically--was easy on him. hot, yes, and blindingly bright during the day, but prey was full and it was easy to sleep when he had to.

under the windowsill
they all were found
a touch of concrete within the doorway
without a sound

it'd been awhile since Sear needed someone to walk beside him. had he ever needed it? even as a kit by his mother's belly, he'd avoided the company he had so he didn't have to keep it. Song and Sage -- where were they now? did they still think of him, or were their thoughts occupied anew?

They never really thought of me, anyways. Only themselves. But what's the difference between us?

his head was hurting slightly. the glare of the moon on his sullen yellow eyes had twisted his mind around mercilessly. he'd left the road awhile ago. now he was in a meadow, not near any Clans, but not completely free of cats, either. he could scent some, too many -- confusing, it was.

Did I want someone to find me here? he wondered, his paws flexing in the dirt.

someone save me, if you will
and take away all these pills
and please, just save me if you can
from my blasphemy in my wasteland

he settled down, sitting on tired haunches, to gaze around him for a moment. his mother, his siblings -- they were long gone. he didn't know anybody else. he hadn't met a single lost soul since becoming a true loner. no one had sought him out, no one had attempted to speak to him.

he exhaled softly, not quite a sigh, but full of feeling. he was so mixed up.

the hardest question to answer
is why? why..

Save Me (c) Shinedown.

[@pple]

The beginning of the day sucked. Night already fell. Wow, had it been a few minutes? Blink and it was night already. It really made the gray tabby's spine shiver with unease. Time was not on her side lately.

And Rovek, of course. That rogue...the slender, female cat closed her chocolate brown eyes that most male rogues found attractive. Ugh, she would not dare to think about them. They annoyed her. The way they act made her cringe. She knew that none of them would match her quiet authority and unspoken strength. No one knew of how powerful she was and still is, expect for her brothers.

Rovek. Roan.

With another useless groan, she used the last ounce of her mentality to push the names away. They were too far away now. Too far away out of her messed up life. Boy, what a life she lived. Epic, she thought.

She wanted to trek alone, abandoning her rough life as a rogue into a loner, leading a life of comfort of independence with no one else to bother her. That was nice until she stumbled into two strangers.

Shadow. Scar.

They were not to trusted. Figures. A hard lesson to learn, she learned a long time ago that it was not easy to believe what anyone say. Anyway, Scar, was really friendly toward her. With no second thoughts, she decided to join them on a journey to anywhere they wanted to go. Until she felt a bit weird toward Shadow. The tom was another typical rogue, but as she dwelled farther to know him, she found herself falling in love for him.

It was impossible. She knew that already. However, love was not any strange to her. Love is like a cat, it is not to be trusted. So, after this morning, crashing into her brother, Rovek, again, she left without any word. Afterwards, she asked Shadow to leave her alone. So she could think.

Think. That was all she needed.

Until she found herself staring at the loner. Wow, she was totally lost, wandering inside her head the whole time.

Oh, great. But, hey, the night is still young...

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

the quiet was broken -- barely -- and Sear turned, stunned out of his thoughts by the presence of another.

a she-cat. she appeared to be lost in her head, for when Sear looked at her, he found that she was staring blankly at him. does she even see me? he wondered, cautiously turning around to face her.

he had seen his mother do the same thing when he was a kit. sometimes cats got caught up in the past. it was nothing new -- he often found it happening to himself, though not often.

Sear was a bit too quick on his feet to think much.

"Uh... hi," he meowed. was this she-cat hostile? few loners or rogues were not hostile. he resisted the urge to run or back away, and instead forced himself to remain calm. "Do you have territory here, or something?" he swallowed his unease away.

[@pple]

Mango thought this loner would be another typical loner, running away from her approach. They always did. Though, she met a few strange ones who stayed and remained calm, in a friendly demeanor. All of them were old, older than Mango, herself.

But this loner...he was young...much younger than her. Chocolate eyes were softer now, that her mind returned to her. This loner was different. That, she knew, but what? She only replied, "Hello."

When the loner asked her if this was her land, she thought about it. She had no home. So there was no land to take. She did not know. Only shrugging, she told him, "No, I don't."

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

the she-cat didn't attack. she didn't lift a lip to reveal blood-seeking fangs, or unsheathe flesh-ripping claws. she only gave him a weary look and answered his welcome.

"Hello."

she only stood, watching Sear. she didn't keep walking, though - Sear allowed himself to become hopeful. he swallowed his fears, then sat on his haunches, drawing his paws close to his chest and underbelly.

"No, I don't," she answered his question.

"Good," Sear meowed softly. "The last time I trespassed... I got into a bit of trouble."

he didn't know why he was saying this. he only knew that the moon was weeping silver on the loner territories, that orange fur had turned to gray and blue, and that eyes became shards of Twoleg glass against dust. he only knew that his words fell out without his brain to dictate him.

Dangerous, but so is everything.

he blinked, afraid to say much more. would this she-cat get huffy? leave him? she didn't appear to have much emotion at all.

"What do you call yourself?" he allowed himself.

[@pple]

Trepassed? Typical...

The gray tabby she-cat sat down. Her fur used to be silky and soft, but now, it was all messy from the past hunting and a long run in the forest, not thinking where she should go. Her chocolate eyes wandered to the thought of Shadow, trying to ignore the fact that she had to go back soon. To him and tell him her feelings. Her emotions. How she felt for him.

Usually, she would give fake names to passing, unknown strangers so they would not know her the next time they would meet. But this young tom, somehow, she told him her real name, the one that many called her, "Name is Mango. Yours?"

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

Mango. he blinked. what was that? he didn't want to be impolite, but his curiosity got the best of him. he tilted his head to one side.

"My name is Sear." he shuffled his paws, suddenly unable to keep his words in. as usual. You've been nuttier than a squirrel lately, Sear!

"Uh... if you don't mind me asking... what does 'Mango' mean?"

he knew that sometimes loners had names with special meaning. not many, but some. Dumia, for example - a word meaning "silence". he'd met few other loners, but he'd heard tales. and tales were something Sear would listen to and ponder for hours on end.

the she-cat still appeared distracted to him. he wasn't interesting enough to engage her, but not boring enough to cause her to leave, seeking fulfillment elsewhere, as drifters were all apt to do.

Drifters. A pretentious word... my mother's word... but somehow, it describes us all better than "loners". In the end, we're all drifting, some with the current, some against it, stretching our ties and breaking them as well...

jeez, way to ramble. and not even out loud. he looked at Mango, hoping she hadn't spoken to him and he not even heard it. that would be quite rude. and therefore, embarrassing. Treat a she-cat with utmost respect. a rule he tried to live by.

chivalry was dying, after all, along with a lot of other virtues he held dear to him.

[@pple]

Mango's head tilted to a side, too. Did she heard him wrong? He asked her what her name mean...did he? That was a very...odd question any loner would ask. Any cat would shrug the name off like it was a fly and had no care what it held any meaning.

No one asked her that question. It had been so long since anyone asked her. The memory of getting her name was excuriating. It was deeply painful. The old pain came rushing back inside her, piercing the very fragile essence of soul.

A mottled gray-brown tom came upon her mind. Almond shaped, green eyes were unblinking. The cat gave her an unruly smirk, a smirk she thought she would not see again in the lifetime. Not this again, please. Please. She closed her eyes as she remembered the tom's words, whispering, caressing like cold air into her ears, "Your sweet scent remind me of my home back in the tropics. You shall be Mango..."

Inside her head, she groaned uneasily, whimpering like a lost kit, while on the outside, she was sitting normally, as if nothing was on her mind. Only she shrugged, "Mango means some kind of fruit from forgien lands. Some tom gave me this name when I was younger."

She beckoned toward the loner with her head, "Sear is an interesting name."

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

Sear watched Mango's expression - did he pain her? memories could wash over one with plainly sad, yet faintly pleasant nostalgia, or it could storm over one and take them back to destruction. he wondered if he overstepped the line.

yet, the she-cat seemed fairly calm. "Mango means some kind of fruit from forgien lands. Some tom gave me this name when I was younger."

"A fruit! Interesting." he dipped his head, unable to hide a smile. Apple was a name he'd heard before; even Pear. it wasn't as uncommon as he thought, he supposed. but his mind wandered with her comment. Some tom gave me this name...

some tom? not a father, a guardian, a brother? just... a random tom? he thought perhaps he'd ask her, but he stopped himself. Do not be rude, Sear. You don't know this cat well enough to pry into her past.

at her next comment, he twitched his tail tip.

"Sear is an interesting name."

"Is it?" he asked, smiling. his mother had had an obsession with blood. her name had been Hema, for the gods' sakes, when she was a rogue in that gang. Hema was a human word for "blood", or so she told him long ago. but perhaps that love for blood had translated into other warm, passionate objects in her more docile loner life: like fire.

"I sort of like it. I think I got the best name out of my litter." he chuckled, thinking. "Creativity is a trait I admire."

[@pple]

Mango watched this loner with odd admiration. He surely smiled a lot. Very friendly than all cats she had met in her total life. Maybe that was why she stayed a while longer. Or she was being curious...something she had not get a chance to express herself in a while.

His smile was really cute, for a young loner. Now she thought about it, this thought was not entirely improper. Sear was really cute. It was a long time since she thought any tom was that...cute. His ginger fur caught her eye. Bright ginger, she really did not dig any ginger colored toms. There was not many of them lately.

His yellow eyes were flat, but they were glinting with youth. He was full of energy, she could tell that. That, she could not stop smiling. She really liked this tom. Somehow, she wanted to be his friend.

Surprised at her thoughts, she nodded, "Creativity." What an interesting friend he would be...

"I actually admire inner strength and courage," she admitted.

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

"I actually admire inner strength and courage."

Sear nodded, muffling his excitement.

"Yes," he meowed, "I do too! Mostly because I have not met many cats who have it."

it was true. Sear had not known many cats, but his mother had taught him that strength was not as important as staying alive. "the living are not brave, Sear," she had once told him, her eyes lit with brightly colored knowledge. "heroes are dead. and if they are not, they soon meet a dark fate."

but was that the truth? wasn't it better to live a courageous and meaningful life than to forever run? to keep yourself alive was Sear's mother's motto, and he supposed it was his siblings' as well. Song and Sage were carbon copies of their mother's lifestyle.

he only had to look at the she-cat before him to see that she wasn't like them. but he wasn't sure what she was like.

almost out of context, but not quite, he continued thoughtfully, "Isn't it better to die for a cause than to live without purpose?"

a loner lived without purpose. he was sure of that -- he'd been on his own since his mother weaned him off of her milk and taught him to hunt prey. his future was looking bleak.

did Mango think the same thing? he shook his head to clear his stumbling thoughts. Sometimes your mind is like a litter of stumbling, stupid kits, Sear!

[@pple]

He admired strength? That was interesting to know. Hmm, Mango wandered again inside her head, remembering Shadow. Shadow was...not brave. Not many cats had strength. Only a cat she met had strength, but he died for his family. It was a heartbreaking memory.

Shaking away the memory, she tried to figure why a lot of painful memories came upon her mind since meeting this such nice loner who may be different from everyone else.

Nodding, she told him bluntly, "Every cat is born with a purpose to live by. Even though, laziness and nothingness is for some."

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

"Every cat is born with a purpose to live by. Even though, laziness and nothingness is for some."

"You think something gives us a purpose when we're born?" he asked, puzzled.

he'd heard of such deities -- like the Clan cats. his mother said they were sky-worshiping fools, but he wondered. were were souls that protected the young, guided the restless? it was hard to believe. so many good cats met tragic ends. and bad cats were let on their merry, destructive paths.

"Maybe I'm a little confused as to what a purpose is. I guess you mean like some she-cats are meant to mother kits who go on to do great things? And some toms are meant to ..." he paused. "Be lazy and somewhat nonexistent?"

the thought made him frown.

[@pple]

The questions filled up her mind. Sear was so curious. She knew if she was someone else, she would ignore this young tom and move on, forgetting all foolish questions, but she did not leave.

She found herself really enjoying talking with this tom. He asked questions that most would not ask. Smiling cheerfully, she felt comfortable by talking to him. "She-cats do not always mean to become mothers. Some never became mothers. The some I am talking about went on and became great."

She continued, "It does not matter if it is a she-cat or a tom. Both gender tend to be lazy, mind you."

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

he supposed she was correct. but his mind was startled into silence when she smiled. her somewhat cool exterior made her smile both unexpected and sharply striking. he found himself almost immediately smiling in return -- a contagious smile. when the ice breaks, the water underneath is sometimes the clearest, coldest, most beautiful turquoise shade.

Sear was too young to understand that fully, but he thought he had some idea. he blushed under his fur, but attempted to think about her comment.

"Er, yes." he thought for a moment. "She-cats definitely don't have to have kits. In fact, some are much happier without them. I just... sorry. Maybe that's just how I was raised to think." he laughed shyly.

he thought about her tom/she-cat lazy comparison, and shook his head. "You have to admit, most forest cats aren't too lazy. Those cats that live with people are the lazy, useless ones." he chuckled.

[@pple]

With a polite nod, she really liked this tom. Very much. She would love to meet him again. Talking about forest cats, she smiled as she thought about it. "I met a few of them. They are not that bad."

Then with a soft chuckle at Sear's comment about lazy comparison, she told him simply, "Maybe." Her chocolate eyes sparkled with a thoughtful expression.

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

"You've met forest cats?" shock flared briefly in Sear's chest. the thought made him giddy, just thinking about it. the ferocious teeth-bared Clan cats, the ones of legends.

"What, uh... what were they like? They don't seem friendly."

he supposed Mango would have been able to defend herself anyways. she seemed stronger than most loners. he liked her, actually. she was tough -- a lot of loners have false tough bravado, but Mango's seemed genuine.

he liked genuine things -- it was the problem.

[@pple]

Mango had to control her smile at first, but then she decided to let it show. Sear was asking her the questions that she felt compelled to answer. If she never met DawnClan several seasons ago, she would have never thought they were friendly and...surprisingly, nice. She would think like any passing rogue that the clans were ferocious and aggressive.

Smiling a lovely smile that was somewhat lopsided, she meowed softly, "They could be not friendly, but sometimes, you have to think about the reason why they are that way. They could defend their terrority for their loved ones." She paused, thinking about it first before she continued.

"Honestly, to me, I would not judge on another cat until I met them face to face. I met one of the four leaders of those forest cats. She is really nice..." Her voice trailed off as she remembered the black-furred she-cat with glowing yellow eyes. "Thank you for helping us, Mango."

The leader's words rang in her ears. Twitching her ears, she remembered a memory that she saved DawnClan from her brother's idiotic attack.

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[-- Desolation.]

Sear dipped his head in embarrassment. of course, Mango was right. you should, technically, never judge a cat by rumors. particularly of an entire Clan. but he wasn't sure if he could shake his assumptions away.

he sort of admired that she could, actually.

"I suppose you're right," he meowed sheepishly. "But tell me, which Clan did you meet? Maybe they're all different." he was still stunned by her smile -- sort of tilted, as though she couldn't bring herself to fully give in to the smile. instead, it was almost half mute.

unbearably cute, though Sear wasn't one to dwell on it.

Don't want to make a fool of myself, after all, he thought, twitching his ears.

[@pple]

"DawnClan," she replied. Mango realized she spoke a lot more than she ever had before with any cat. Though, she had a difficult time trusting anyone, though she could not believe her eyes. She could not believe this...

She was being expressive, finding herself opening up to this loner which she just met minutes ago. It was unbelievable, but it just happened. Wondering over the new fact, she told him, "The rumors are rumors, you know." With a chuckle, she told him, "I have to go."

Before she could turn around, she gave another smile, a real one this time, which was a rariety. Only a few spotted it in their lifetimes. It was like a real pearl that everyone had a hard time searching for. In the end, they would find themselves stunned by this raw beauty. This was what made her beautiful.

What a shame she did not use it often.

"Take care, Sear."

Then she turned and walked away, twitching her tail in a friendly farewell.

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

Sear dipped his head as Mango told him, The rumors are rumors, you know. but he said nothing more. he could tell she had become restless; his suspicions were confirmed when the she-cat meowed, I have to go.

the ginger tom sat back in quiet contemplation, nodding to her in respect as she turned. but just before she did, she gave him a sincere, powerful smile -- one of raw power and beauty. and Sear only shook his head, amazed at the caliber of her smile. he felt almost gifted -- as if she had bestowed upon him a gift which not many toms or she-cats were privy to witness in their lifetimes.

Foolish, Sear. It's only a smile!

but that admonishing thought did not change his mind.

"Goodbye, Mango. I, erm, hope we meet again."

and it was true.

he did.

he quietly left, disappearing through sharp grasses.

[@pple]

**a few days later **

The gray tabby she-cat found herself returning to this same place again, wondering if the friendly loner was back here. Grasses were getting taller than before, taller than her slim height.

Wondering if she could meet Sear again, she sat down, making herself comfortable, as she watched the sun setting down across the horizon, hoping to spot a glimpse of ginger fur and yellow eyes.

"Sear," she whispered. It felt like a ghostly whisper, as if she never expected him to show up. Half of her wished he did.

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

hold it together; birds of a feather
nothing but lies and crooked wings
i have the answer; spreading the cancer
you are the faith inside me

the sky was being bled. falling out of its ozone, spilling into the grasses and spreading across the sky. stains of strict, complex scarlet and gold flooded the grasses of the loner's meadow.

shadows fled from the glare of the setting sun, but in places where they settled, they broadened and grew darker. Sear's burning pelt matched the blending blood and gilt of the setting sun as he shook the sleep out of his limbs and began to stroll towards the place he'd met that strange but lovely female Mango not long ago.

a few days had passed. Sear had thought about little else, besides hunting and finding safe nooks to store himself in for the night. but despite every mouthful of blood and sustenance, he'd found his brain wandering around in circles around one effigy -- Mango.

no, don't leave me to die here
help me survive here alone
don't remember, remember

why? he had never come across a similar feeling. he wasn't sure what to think. he had never thought endlessly of the cats he'd met, beautiful or no; he'd never pondered ceaselessly about the parent and siblings he'd left behind, despite his concern for their survival.

no, he had no idea what Mango had done to him, and he was even more unsure if he disliked it or not. the gray tabby she-cat had lingered in the shadows around his thoughts like no ghosts had ever dared to.

he paused, surprised to find a fresh scent here -- sweet and familiarly dusky.

No, that's too much of a coincidence... he thought, twitching his ear. Mango? Is she...?

he leapt, passing through the stiff grass -- taller than before -- and stood, found himself gazing at an expectant-looking Mango. he hid a smile of satisfaction.

"Mango," he meowed, pulling himself out of the grass to stand in the falling sun's glow. "Nice to see you again."

put me to sleep, evil angel
open your wings, evil angel
why can't i breathe, evil angel?

"Evil Angel" (c) Breaking Benjamin

[@pple]

"Mango."

"Nice to see you again."

As she heard him calling her name, she actually jumped to her paws, as she felt something spreading through her veins. It was excitement. Hiding a smile, she greeted him with a soft purr, welcoming him in her small circle of friends.

"Sear. I am so glad to see you again."

There, her statement said it all.

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

ooc; I love the song too. :D Thought it kind of fitting. And oh yeah?

"Sear. I am so glad to see you again."

he couldn't believe it; were his ears being graced with the whispered words of an angel?

Yes, he thought, flicking his ears. Only the angel is Mango, and she isn't whispering.

he smiled, whiskers quivering. No; she's smiling. Even better.

"Well, how've you been? I know it hasn't been long, but... in our life, many a thing could change in so many days." he wasn't sure if what he was saying made sense anymore; he was still blinded by her smile.

[@pple]

[Yeah, some guy I know.]

"Not really much." She shrugged, still numb from the fact that she was really pleased to see him again. She really enjoyed his company. "How about you?" She was really curious to hear what he would say.

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

he held his small smile, stepping forward. his tail followed him from the grasses, a long banner of swift fire.

"I've been bored. And lonely." why play games? he wasn't a female. he had never been one to lay what he was thinking on the ground to be examined, but Mango brought it out of him. he was still bewildered about that.

"I've kinda been waiting around to see if you would come back," he confessed calmly. "I think you're really interesting."

there, said, outloud.

[@pple]

She was really over joyous at his confession. Felt the exactly same way, she told him, "I have been waiting around here too, hoping to see a glimpse of your flame fur." She eyed him from head to toe, examining him silently in her head. He was really handsome, she could not avoid the fact. Of course, he was still young, but the guts were telling her that he would become one of handsome toms the forest ever known. With his yellow eyes flat, it brought a charm out of him. His looks will blind any she-cat, she was absolutely certain.

Still smiling, she chuckled softly, "I am not that interesting." She continued, "Met any forest cats, eh?" She joked lightly, remembering the conversation from the last time they met.

[/size]

[-- Desolation.]

[bg=c7b7a4][atrb=width,396,true][atrb=border,0,true] "I have been waiting around here too, hoping to see a glimpse of your flame fur." he brightened considerably. how could he tell her that he'd much rather see the shine of her striped gray fur, or see the moon gleam off of her warm brown eyes? but hearing her say that... he could feel himself glow. her praise was, for some strange reason, the best praise. and, gods, her smile. she was still smiling when she let out a small chuckle. his ears twisted to catch the strains of her voice. "I am not that interesting." "I beg to differ," he purred laughingly. "Met any forest cats, eh?" he tilted his head. "Well, actually, I did. A she-cat. What's that Clan in the forest? Not the shady ones, or the fast ones, or the swimming ones... she was from there." she had been joking, referring to their previous conversation, but it was the truth. he'd met Leafmask. she'd reminded him of Mango, only... she was completely different. he only knew that he didn't feel as intrigued by her as he did Mango. he only knew she was pretty, with a pelt similar to his, and had a dangerous, intriguing lifestyle. was he more confused than he looked? he met her eyes again, still drawn in, still magnetized. maybe not.

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[@pple]

I beg to differ.

Mango was slightly surprised. Once again, Sear was full of surprises. He was good at making jokes as well...for a young tom. A young loner would not know how to speak that well. His mother must raise him well, as a gentleman. She secretly liked toms who treated she-cats right, not with dirty looks and fight rough. Sometimes, she liked rogues, so the rogue toms treat her equally.

She did not know if Sear was that tough. Was he?

Well, actually, I did. A she-cat. What's that Clan in the forest? Not the shady ones, or the fast ones, or the swimming ones... she was from there.

She knew which clan Sear wanted to know. "FireClan," she replied. "What's her name?" She wondered who he met. Checking him out, there was no claw marks so he was not harmed. He was considered lucky not to be attacked by a clan cat. Or the rumors will scar his mind for good.

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